Everything I Know About The Tower
Missives on the medicine of number 16
Welcome and welcome back to mixed results. This is a space for alchemy and magic, light and shadow, possibility and messiness, and everything in between. And I am so honored that you’re here for our last share of 2024.
This has been one of the most challenging years of my short and long life, and The Tower held my hand through every good, bad, and ugly moment, some of which may have broken me if not for my support systems.1 One of my favorite things to do during winter, the season of my birth, is direct my energy inward and reflect on what the year has offered me. That’s what I’m here to do today.
Tarot is a popular2 practice that has a mixed history. Akron and Banzhaf claim, “Tarot is a card game that has been passed down from an earlier time where it was probably in widespread use as an oracle… The spiritual side had a great meaning for those circles that met in mystery schools, lodges, and [alleged] secret societies” (The Crowley Tarot: The Handbook to the Cards). Pamela Coleman Smith and A. E. Waite’s Rider-Waite or Smith-Rider-Waite tarot deck has undoubtedly become the most popular tarot deck since its introduction in the early 20th century. It is constantly referenced and used as a source of inspiration.
Many tarot decks contain 78 unique card illustrations. They are divided into 22 Major Arcana and 56 Minor Arcana cards.3 Arcana is a term of Latin and English origin that means “Secrets.” The tarot has long been used as a divination and present-tending tool by regular folks, tarot readers, witches and more to reveal obstructed or reserved information about the querent.4
Now, I must clarify: tarot is not evil and cannot hurt you. It is an art, a tool, a game that has as much power over or power with us as we permit it to. Tarot cards have become strongly associated with witchcraft, magicks, and other spiritual practices. While this is not inaccurate, the cards and their nuances have been flattened and their purpose has been distorted to validate *insert fear here.* Tarot cards are spoken of by some as if simply by existing (or held in the hands of someone with ill intent), they can inflict harm. This is not true. Cards like Death, The Devil, and The Tower have been historically feared and grossly limited for many a reason.5
Like many, I turned to spirituality during lockdown. Tarot was introduced to me by a beloved. I started reading about Paganism and witchcraft and began studying my birth chart during this time. I got my first tarot deck6 in 2021, attended Lindsay Mack’s Tarot Tending course, and recently co-facilitated an introductory course on the tarot and contributed to my first deck. Tarot is a practice that has changed my life. In the words of Rachel Pollack, “A life in the cards is truly a life of wonder.”
Yearly tarot cards are a method of living and learning the tarot. According to Pollack, “The system comes from teacher and writer Angeles Arrien [and] Mary K. Greer developed it further” (The Complete Illustrated Guide To Tarot). If you do some math, you will discover a number that correlates with one of the cards of the Major Arcana, and that card will be your archetype of the year. My birth date collective is 8 (3+5) and this year's collective number is 8 (2+2+4) which altogether equals 16.
TL:DR My card of the year is The Tower (16 or XVI). Our collective card of the year is Strength (8) and next year, it will be The Hermit (9). Each of these cards has different archetypes, themes, medicines, and lessons to offer us. It is our choice to play with these energies or not, and they visit us regardless.7 From video games to random articles on the web, number sixteen can strike fear into the hearts of our bravest. The Tower has been stereotyped as a bad omen, a signal of incoming doom, a warning of the future. This major arcana card is often depicted in traditional and contemporary tarot decks as a tower being struck with lightning or flame, sometimes with two beings falling from a crumbling structure to an unseen destination.
The Tower takes a bit of… digging to understand. I have resisted, embraced, fled from, and found peace with the energy and wisdoms of this card. And I am ready to discuss everything I know about The Tower and, hopefully, reduce the stigmas surrounding it if possible. In the words of Lindsay Mack, “There are no bad cards.”
Part One: destruction brings creation
One of my favorite interpretations of The Tower comes from The Binding of Issac. In this game, players can find tarot cards scattered amongst levels that grant them abilities and offer a missive on the card. Tower message: “destruction brings creation.” Tower ability: generate bombs. Short, sweet, and to the point (if a little chaotic). Sometime after I got my first deck, I also began watching playthroughs of Life is Strange: True Colors. MC8 Alex, seeking insight about her empathic power, pulls number 16 for herself, and the description reads, “A card of chaos and destruction, of revelation and escape.” Alex narrows in on the first two keywords, likely out of grief and fear.
If you insert “The Tower tarot card” into any search engine, you won’t have to scroll far to discover similar reactions to the energy of this card, reactions that I know very well. Is drawing the tower card ever a good thing? reads one forum post. I am scared of this card! continues another. Thankfully, there are also nuanced takes, as many others have noticed what I have: there is a major need for The Tower’s narrative to be rewritten and reevaluated. Without nuance (and sometimes even with it), there is an opportunity for contraction in response to any new tarot card, archetype, or message. We don’t know what it is yet, so we’re nervous. Hesitation is a normal response!
And when one of the keywords of a card that often shows creatures falling out of a crumbling building is destruction, it makes sense that most of us want nothing to do with The Tower, with things that fall apart. When I learned Tower was my card of the year for 2024, I experienced contractions within contractions, lol. I was in the midst of great change and had no fucking idea what I wanted to do with myself. I spent 22 years outsourcing validation and love and rejecting the parts of myself others taught me were unlovable. 22 years in contraction, activation, and terror as unacknowledged childhood trauma wreaked havoc on my mental health and joy from the shadows.
I didn’t want The Tower. I didn’t want the creation that would come of unknown destructions. Everything in my life already felt so perilous, so unbalanced and fragile. How much more instability or loss would I have to face? (Spoiler: A Lot).
Some generally accepted Tower realities and concepts are…
“Not everyone can go where you’re going”
Line 3 energy (transformative AF)
Ruled by Mars (Spiritual practitioner Sarah Faith Gottesdiener also identifies Pluto and Uranus as Tower rulers)
Change, change, and more change, usually the unwelcome kind we wouldn’t initiate without cause
Grief and growth spirals
Losing things we didn’t imagine we could survive without
In an end of year reflection, I wrote to myself, “My old ways have burned and crumbled (there is no going back), leaving ash, concrete, and bare bones behind. Through the grief of change, I packed up what I could (packing light) — some of my old baby photos from my mom so I never forget me again — art that filled my chest with joy and senseless hope — dreams I’ve allowed to rot in my heartspace out of fear that I could never bring such imaginations to life — and I carried them with me as I trudged on through my darkest nights.” This is about as close as I believe I can get within the confines of language to describing what The Tower feels like.
The Tower, above all else, is an excavator. She senses that rotten foundation, knows the leaks you’ve been running around trying to manage instead of acknowledging the busted pipes, and brings a storm that she knows will convince you it’s time to go. She holds you as you flee the only home you’ve ever known and head toward the forest. And what comes before The Tower? The Devil, her highly scrutinized and controversial twin, who embodies Queerness and the erotic9 and asks you to recognize that you are, in fact, not trapped in your mind. And what comes after The Tower? The Star, the they/them elder Aquarian sibling that washes us clean with the medicinal gentleness of something akin to “Rain” by Sleep Token.
In my Tower year, I started two newsletters (the one you’re reading now and Kpop Missives by fans for fans), completed my first work of fiction (which brought up so much grief even thought it was time for me to step into this reality), got my first tattoo and my septum pierced (they both hurt so damn bad, lol), accepted my identity as an aroace creature (it’s been a long time coming), made friends I hope and pray will be with me for a lifetime (love you both), permanently moved away from home (fucking finally!!!), recognized I have a supportive family network (it was right under my nose the entire time), began my teaching career (all thanks to some work I did right before graduation and my love of tarot), and rooted into the present (for the first time in my life). These were my highest highs.
I also graduated from university (such a traumatic experience overall I do not count it as a high), went no contact with multiple family members (and have been in near-constant contraction ever since I decided such boundaries were necessary for my health and safety), disconnected from my toxic and very shakeable friend group (probably the most painful and appreciated experience of my year), endured my first significant job loss (this was a high wrapped in the blanket of a low and brought up every trauma I’ve ever had with money), grieved and fell the fuck apart (multiple times at the tail end of this year), struggled with my chronic illness in ways I haven’t since lockdown (this is an ongoing experience with roots of shame so deep I wonder if I’ll ever reach the bottom), and faced consequences for embodying my truest self (not everyone wants all of me, and that’s okay). These were, as Paramore would say, hard times.
Honestly, there were more towers than I expected in my life. As they fell one after the other, sometimes a slow decay, brick by boring brick, othertimes a raging inferno that woke me in the night so I could escape through the nearest window, I adjusted and welcomed the new gifts life brought me.10 We stayed with it… But when I found myself in another fucking tower on Samhain, something deep inside of me began to crack open. I’m tired of this it sobbed through me. I had two part-time gigs that kept the lights on as I searched for a new job, but most of November, I was six feet down, screaming at earth, spirit, whoever the fuck had let me get swept off in another violent current. I was told I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about selling my soul to make a living, went through secondary interviews and never heard back, and at a certain point, I couldn’t stay with it anymore.
Part Two: Who’s Afraid of an Old, Crumbling Building?
The Tower is often a collection of changes necessary for us to advance, as unstable structures cannot hold who we have the potential become in The Star. Experiencing it can be serendipitous. It can also be growing tired of all the change, being unable to hold your old self together, and finding things you didn’t know had been eating at you in the dark. (We support the both, and in this creative portal.) Who’s afraid of an old, crumbling building? Most of us, actually.
Tower revelations kicked my ass all year, but last month, I buckled. There was something wrapped around my ankle under the water, and it was dragging me like a fucking dog. In the climax of “Dog Years” from her latest album, Halsey dropped the hardest lyrics I’ve heard in a while and bared my soul with their own pen.
“Cause I'm not old, but I am tired. I'm not strong, I'm very weak
I'm not old, but I am tired. I'm not here, I'm somewhere else
I'm not old, but I am tired. I'm one hundred ninety-six
In dog years, I have seen enough. I've seen it all”
Most of the songs from this album required me to warm up to them first, but “Dog Years” already had a blazing fire and hot chocolate (with marshmallows) ready for me when I knocked on the door. I, too, feel nearly two-hundred in dog years and have seen enough! (And, yes, I scream this part in my car every time). There was just something so special about this album, with all its rage, death, and somehow, hope, being released days before I was swept into the deep end of a rushing river without warning.
On a recent visit to my local mystic shop, I found a zine titled Nine Defenses Against the Basilisk in a stack of other pamphlets. I wasn’t able to purchase it, but I did read it in the shop. One of the first forms of magic discussed in its pages was to “Look at the pain.”11 Short, sweet, and to the point (if a little chaotic). Sensitive weathered soul that I am, I teared up right there on the shop floor, and was once again reflected back at myself between the lines of another’s pen.
Dear one, when you’re in The Tower, a tower, or just feeling the energy of this card, it is often the small things, not because there aren’t big things, but because it has to be the small things. Some extra cash to get your favorite takeout. Slightly more favorable weather for your daily walk or commute. An apple juice box, if you’re me (lol). A meeting with a beloved or close peer when you need it most. A song, cartoon, book, or other art form that sees you down to the bone and leaves you raw and vulnerable by its conclusion. An aspect of The Tower that I never hear others discuss: the small things are sometimes all we (consistently) have during upsets.
Life will be full of highs and hard times, inconsistent bastard, and The Tower asks that we remain present for the small things (a skill we need to fully melt into The Star and the rest of line 3). This is no easy request. I denied it at times, honestly. If I couldn’t have the change I wanted, it could all be swept away in a moment, and some people didn’t care that I was suffering, FML. Let the water take me. By the time I reached my hand out and let my best friend pull me up (defying my programming to suffer in isolation like a worm desperate to survive) the crack in my center was a glacier, an amalgamation of snow, debris, and ice sinking in on itself. I was not who I was before I got to that point. I was someone else.
The Tower challenges all of us differently. Just because I knew to expect great change did not mean I was ready when it arrived. Just because I kept my bruised heart open to chaos and new experiences did not mean I didn’t eventually get tired of that shit. Just because I was done with this energy did not mean it was done with me. The medicine of this card is so necessary, and at times, so fucking painful.
In a recent journaling session, a practice I’ve increasingly turned to when I have so much to say that I feel it clawing out of me, I wrote to myself, “I still fear that I or someone I love will find something so deep within me that we will not like, and therefore, reject. More than anything, this is the fear that upholds the foundations of all others in my incarnation.”12 The Tower, dear one, is foundational. She works on us slowly. When we go deep with this energy, we emerge with pieces of ourselves we didn’t know had been severed, fears we were unaware had mutated to hide from our view, and abandoned shadows awaiting warmth. The ability to witness is a gift of this energy.
This year has been so rough, so taxing on my nervous system and ability to trust and hope, that I actually fear the medicinal bath of The Star in the distance. I know things ebb and flow (sometimes violently and without conclusion), but I find it hard to imagine how it gets better than this.13 Perhaps, when I find myself there, I will tell you just how much better it can be. In the words of Oli Sykes, “There’s a place I wanna take you, but I’m not quite there myself.”
Part Three: archetypes as mirrors
We are up to our guts in this stuff, lol. Still with me? Rest your eyes for a moment, drink some water, move your body if you’re able. The end of the road is in sight.
In Agatha All Along, I was surprised to witness The Tower make a double feature.14 A character pulls it reversed for another before his death and then upright for herself before her death, which is the result of a literal fall. Extremely geeked that tarot cards played a role in a witchy television series and there was a skilled mystic reading them, I went looking for interpretations on the presence of the cards for these characters… and found myself at a familiar door. Dated, non-nuanced, unhelpful Tower interpretations. Please keep shut.
Collectively, many decided what The Tower meant in the context of the show. I never settled on a particular idea. There was only intense fascination with how the series handled archaic notions of Death and Tower cards. The Tower even had a reversal moment. We got to see all sides of her (even if both of those sides pointed to a transformation via the death of a physical vessel).
Character A receives the card reversed and loses something he didn’t think he could survive without. For A, his Tower moment(s) uncover his power, ask him to accept his second life (a change if I’ve ever seen one), and even reveal memories he would not access otherwise. He resists himself at first, but he eventually accepts that he cannot go back. Character B receives the card upright and has been running from the change embedded in her every waking moment. For character B, her Tower moment(s) ask her to be with what is and to acknowledge the small things (such as finding a ragtag coven that drives you nuts after running solo for a while). She embraces her lack of synchronicity, erratic nature, and finally centers herself in both her present and her other world(s), as the Queen of Cups must in order to thrive.15
Watching The Tower work on these characters was compelling. And when I think of thriving, I realize I somehow managed to do a little bit of that this year despite everything. In the tarot course I helped facilitate, I was hesitant. Who the hell was I to show up in this space and acknowledge that I was on a forever journey with the tarot? After recently graduating and with no teaching experience? Oh, hell no. There was so much self-doubt and judgement that seized me in the earlier months that eventually melted into joy and excitement as I realized I was in a compatible environment. I even got to make some tarot cards!!16 Wtf, lol!!
By the time November upended me, I realized I had a stable place to grow twice a week that I truly cherished. Without an overbearing work schedule, I’ve spent more time at home, resting to satiate my seasonal depression symptoms, able to just enjoy (and dread) the slowness of a day passing me by. I wish I could say I’ve been baking or playing video games, but I’ve been writing, watching Ghibli films, and reading, which is okay. And I’ve been getting out more and more for my daily walks, even on the days when the cold bites unforgivingly at my face. I’m the type that goes out even when people won’t take their dogs around the corner. Even in my grief, this is what thriving has been: the small things I would take for granted if I were busier and too distracted to live my life.
There is a little bit of The Tower and every tarot card inside us all. And we need not fear them. Archetypes are mirrors, after all, and are deeper than the keywords or one-dimensional descriptions used to articulate their complexities. If we permit the cards and their energies to do their thing, who knows who we will find reflected back at us? I never imagined I could become who I am today: deeply loved and known, capable of taking egoic and creative risks, willing to put my foot down and protect my inner kid, unafraid to fuck up and try again, obsessed with the present and the smallest shit, friendly with my shadows and monsters, and hopeful despite it all.
I’d brave all this bullshit and do all this deep, vulnerable work again if it meant I would become this familiar and loving with myself at the end of it all. In my Tower year, I discovered intense love by simply being alive. Sometimes, that was all I had.
When I began drafting this collection, I had no idea where to begin. I was so not-okay in November that I struggled with the idea of how to even title a reflective peace about one of the most activating cards in traditional tarot decks, let alone pulling my messy, frayed, split threads and cords together to weave something I could be proud of. But seeing tarot in so many portals (including The Sims 4) and taking my first real break in a while gave my burned out brain the space it needed to build the capacity for reflection. I’m so grateful to past me for cultivating this space and that you’re here. Thank you. I’ll see you in 2025! 🫠🩷
bonus: no love like your own (art and other stuff for when shit feels like its falling apart)
Lindsay Mack once said, “The Tower is not always a trauma… it is about what it uncovers.” If it wasn’t for some major nervous system rewiring, consistent art consumption and creation, and time spent with beloveds, I doubt I would have been able to endure my Tower year. I offered a glimpse of some of what was uncovered for me, but there was much, much more that I won’t share in this space.
Below is a collection of things that helped me stay sane as I underwent the lessons of The Tower. I would’ve loved this stuff if I was preparing for a Tower year or facing towerish times and needed support. Take what is in alignment, leave the rest.
Tower playlist
I actually tried and spectacularly failed to make a Tower playlist during the summer… From the ashes of that structure, here are 16 songs to see you through the highs and hard times of your Tower years and moments. Also on Youtube because not everyone wastes their money on Spotify like me
Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind
I became a normal amount of interested in Studio Ghibli content this winter. One of my favorite films has been Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, a 1984 gem that reminds us there’s nothing to fear and the earth is our only home. If your brain is fried or you need something to help you through a task this is the one for you
Dan Da Dan
Anime girls, we are so back. I took a break from anime for no reason whatsoever, but Dan Da Dan has reminded me why I love it so much. There are some intense scenes in this, so if you’re not up to it, come back later. There’s tons of places to watch this online if you’re not shackled to Netflix lol
Tarot for the Wild Soul goodies
These are vulnerable pod episodes that I cherish on late, restless nights. Lindsay goes deeeeeep into the medicine and potential pressure points of The Tower and line 3 and explores ways to recover trust after trauma in these containers. If you need support to unwind, this is where it’s at
Missives on the medicine of number 16 and some journaling prompts or a tarot spread to support you through towering times (how you use it is up to you!)
Doechii: Tiny Desk Concert
I was so late to this party (both Doechii and this fucking electric Tiny Desk) but I finally got my head out of the gutter, lol. This thing speaks for itself. “Alligator Bites Never Heal” was one of my favorite releases of this year
Moonbeaming Episodes
More no-bullshit Tower wisdom and details about Tarot Constellations and Teacher Cards. Year & birth cards and tarot constellations (and lines) offer us tarot wisdoms that can often be more personal, direct, and impactful. Lessons from these portals often greets us slowly over time, and these episodes can help
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times
I am not done with Wintering yet, but there’s nothing I’d rather be reading. Creating this yearly reflection was an act of wintering. Reading this book is its own. Winter is my favorite season to read and one of few times I permit myself such meditation regularly. Highly recommend when you need to slow down
Celebrate the Winter Solstice
The Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year and all types of people celebrate it, seeking connection and warmth on a usually cold, dark day. Even if you just light a candle, or go out like I will, spend some time thinking about how this year went for you (and if you’re me, spend some time crying about it, lol. Tower moments deeply desire to be reflected upon)
Tower memes
Just to spark a little joy in this bleak world
the research section
The Crowley Tarot: The Handbook to the Cards from Akron and Hajo Banzhaf
The Complete Illustrated Guide To Tarot from Rachel Pollack
Teachings from Lindsay Mack and Sarah Faith Gottesdiener
Personal reflections from the center of the chaos
until next time,
aster ✰
mixed results is possible because of readers like you. your attention, space, and generosity are appreciated and loved. thank you, thank you, thank you.
If you have witnessed and supported me through a transition this year, I am bowing deeply to you in gratitude. I don’t think I would have valued such a challenging year for every single thing it had to offer me if not for your presence. Being 20 something is so fucking hard. Thank you for being with me during my messiest, most chaotic moments
Visit any local bookstore (in person or virtually) and you will likely find a selection of tarot cards, probably in the store’s esoteric or spirituality section. My university library had tarot cards we could reserve and use, which was the absolute coolest
The cards are often further divided into rows of three as popularized by Rachel Pollack to depict a central theme across each line of the cards. To me, line one is the self, line two is the subconscious, and line three is the universe or butterfly moments. The Tower is a line 3 card
One who makes inquiries to gather information
Western societies are generally death-phobic, age-phobic, and ableist. It doesn’t help that some uphold the archaic notion that the presence of the Death card means one will die. (Death comes for us all someday…). Many western religions perpetuate fears of devils and daemons as they allegedly cause pain, suffering, you get the idea. Devil bad (allegedly). The Tower…we’ll get to her, lol
Grace Duong’s Mystic Monday’s Deck, another classic
Again: tarot cards cannot hurt you
Main character
The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power by Audre Lorde, thank me later
Friendship betrayal overlapped with the deepest connection I’ve had with another soul in years. Tears of rage on my graduation day helped me recognize that I was done playing peacekeeper in my families of origin. Moon medicine on late summer nights in my cousins’ backyard as we watched movies together made the burning uncertainty of the daytime tolerable. Intense contraction after I settled into my new home reminded me that change is a necessary experience
This is potential verbatim and not a 1-for-1 quote
I need to know this fear, and the parts of me that are still neatly tucked onto shelves or behind locked doors, in order to keep spiraling into my growth, however small it may be. I need to keep looking at my pain even when I have seen enough
I just want to say: I am a very hopeful boy. Hope is my magic, my dream, and part of why I was brought into the world. I was genuinely surprised to realize that I am on alert after fighting to keep my little flame alive through such a tumultuous year. Finding little pockets to stop and tend to it has become a skill, of sorts
In a strength year, too? Iconic. Legendary
She is also given a very explicit task: “To see.” Short, sweet, and to the point (if a little chaotic) yet again. QoC is also one of my favorite fucking cards the energy is soooo medicinal
I made the Queen of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, and 7 of Wands in our class deck :3